DEAR ZEN: Missing connection
What to do with the empty spaces where friendships once were
This week's newsletter is an installment of my fortnightly advice column, DEAR ZEN (available in full only to paid subscribers). Please consider submitting your own question here! If I publish it, I will give you a free paid subscription to CMOON for one year.
Dear Zen,
Do you have any guidance on how to let go of friendships which seem to be dissolving? I am in my mid 30s (not sure if that matters) and these are friendships with no significant conflict. Overall I'm left feeling my bids for connection mostly go unanswered. I wonder if I'm attached to how things were in the past and what to do about that.
I appreciate your time, energy and response 🙏🏻.
- J. Ben
I'm sorry that your friends are leaving you hanging, J. Ben. I know how it can feel when one's bids for connection go unanswered. So, I don't underestimate how much it can hurt, and also that the not knowing why can make it even harder.
I've also had friends who didn't respond to emails, texts, and calls, sometimes for long periods of time. For a few of them, it's enough of a pattern that, when it happens, I know something's up. Sometimes they're simply overwhelmed—and this has often been the case with my friends in their mid-30s who were new parents—or they're acting out a pattern from childhood where, when things get hard, they hermit or throw themselves into work, etc. Only when things are better are they able to reengage.
I try not to take it personally. The last time a beloved friend reemerged, apologizing for her long absence, I made sure that the first thing I told her was that I loved her, that I knew it meant she was working through something, and that I was just glad to be in touch again.
The last time a beloved friend reemerged apologizing for her long absence, I made sure that the first thing I told her was that I loved her.
Another friend and I reconnected recently after not seeing each other or talking for five years. We had a lot to catch up on, but we've had bouts like this before over our 24-year friendship, so we also just picked up where we'd left off. I was glad that the time had passed, actually, because I would've struggled to be a good friend to him earlier. For a while, I felt we were on very different wavelengths, and I suspected we might have outgrown one another. Seeing my friend again, however, I felt I could really connect with who he is now and I was able to sincerely appreciate his friendship.
If you're really struggling right now and need support, I hope you're able to tell your friends. But if it's just the sense of dissolution that bothers, then it's great if you're able to use this time to self-reflect.