DEAR ZEN: Why don't I do the things I know are good for me?

Making positive changes takes more than just brute strength. It takes a strong spirit.

This newsletter features my advice column, DEAR ZEN, in which I respond to reader questions and requests for advice. Complete this form to submit your own question. If I publish it, I'll gift you a free paid subscription (which gives you full access to every DEAR ZEN post and other paid content).

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Dear Zen,

Why do I not do the things I know are good for me? Why do some turn inward and others not? 

- Dale

Hi, Dale—

Thank you for sharing your very succinct questions! Even if they are short, however, they're still big. I will do my best.

Most people do know the kinds of behaviors and actions they need to take to improve the quality of their lives. Most often, these are things like eating healthier, exercising more often, and not leaving important tasks until the last minute. But even though we've decided we'd like to do these things, we may still struggle to do them.

This struggle comes from lacking sufficient willpower and inner strength.

The operative word here is "sufficient." We may feel that, in our daily lives, we exercise a fair amount of discipline and are generally conscientious. But to overcome our habits, we need more than an ordinary, day-to-day amount of willpower. By definition, the strength we must exert to do something different and to overcome an ingrained behavior must be extraordinary. This is only more true if what's keeping us from doing what's good for us is not just bad habits, but trauma, negative social influences, or discrimination.

By definition, the strength we must exert to do something different and to overcome an ingrained behavior must be extraordinary.

In my own life, the activities that have helped to cultivate the most inner or spiritual strength tend to be physical, simple, repetitive, and difficult. Sitting zazen (seated meditation), for example, through physical pain without moving for long periods and training in martial arts have all brought about a kind of inner strength that, for me, transcends endurance. It's not about gritting my teeth and bearing it, or just thugging it out. There is a straightforwardness and a clarity that has come from those moments when I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. There is a freedom.

It is a freedom from feeling hemmed in by my habits. It's the freedom to make different choices, and the sense of wide open possibility that comes from being able to see that I actually do have choices. Also, after doing really hard things, sometimes something that was previously challenging can feel small and easy in comparison.