DEAR ZEN: Some Basic Zen Life Advice

Two graduate students seek advice on making big career decisions and managing catastrophic anxiety

Today, I'm responding to two questions that feel related here in my DEAR ZEN advice column. (The column, by the way, is available in full to paid subscribers, but if you submit a question and I end up publishing it, I'll be sure to gift you a paid subscription.)

First, from Ian:

I'm planning to attend seminary, potentially to become a chaplain. I've received significant financial aid, allowing this to be possible, but for costs of things like food, health care, school supplies, etc. I may have to take out up to $18,000 per year in student loans (and it's a 3 year program). That feels like more debt than I'm comfortable taking on, and yet I'm waffling. I'm considering deferring admission for a year, in order to build my savings, apply for scholarships, and ideally get myself to a position where I don't need to take out loans. But I also have this strong sense of urgency saying that I need to begin now and trust that the loans are a somehow-manageable investment in myself rather than a looming burden. I want to trust my gut, but I question if my gut is just overexcited here.

Hi, Ian—I remember making this same calculation when I was applying for business school. And, while the conventional advice is quite practical (your potential income in your first year should be equal to or greater than your total student debt burden coming out of the program), I know that that's not the kind of advice you're coming to a Zen priest for.

Of course, good Zen advice is usually blunt and never a direct answer to your question. I think the best Zen advice here is basically, whatever you decide to do, do it completely. 

If you're sure you want to do this seminary program and it has to be this year, then make it happen—no matter what. But, since you're already wavering in your commitment by asking for advice, it would probably be better to take the more practical route and wait. 

Good Zen advice is usually blunt and never a direct answer to your question. The best Zen advice here is basically, whatever you decide to do, do it completely. 

Now, from Matti:

I am currently finishing my master's degree in exercise physiology. At the same time, my supervisor and other teachers recommended I apply for the PhD at the same university and lab, which I did because I wanna pursue it, so I got accepted. However, the PhD starts this year, so my first year of PhD will be done at the same time as my last year of master's. Besides the issue of overload, we have no clear date of when the PhD starts, everything seems blurry about it, and the professors just tell me "relax, and wait for it to start". To make matters worse, there's the financial aspect of everything, so after my PhD everyday I have to work on side jobs to make a living. This took me on a ride to anxiety evolved to anguish, and panic attacks are now a daily thing if I don't take meds. Any advice of what or how I can manage this while also on therapy (meds and psychologist)?

Hi, Matti—It sounds like things are really hard right now. It also sounds like you're impressively intelligent and already quite accomplished, but in a bad rut.

I've written a little in a previous DEAR ZEN column about one way to deal with anxiety, which is to approach it with a fighting spirit. Whether that's in the lead up to a panic attack or in looking at how to manage anxiety in your life overall, I've found that this kind of attitude is so important that it simply cannot be overstated. It is a way to experience mastery over one's world and it can have good material outcomes. This is in line with some fascinating science on the placebo effect, which I'm sure you're familiar with as an exercise physiologist.

In contrast, whenever I've begrudgingly or resentfully accepted something as being done to me, rather than something that I can exercise control over, I'm usually more miserable and my outcomes suffer. 

Especially when it comes to things like anxiety and trauma, I also like to talk about how a successful path is often to aim for something bigger than just solving our immediate problems. When I began training in Zen and really aiming for realizing my True Self, I found that a lot of the trauma I held (from being a survivor of sexual assault and from years working in and around a war zone) actually resolved, letting go of its hold on my body, my psyche, and my spirit.

I think of it as the difference between trying to get from Point A to Point B, and going from Point A to Point C, where Point B just happens to be on the way. 

When I began training in Zen and really aiming for realizing my True Self, I found that a lot of the trauma I held actually resolved. It was the difference between trying to get from Point A to Point B, and going from Point A to Point C, where Point B just happens to be on the way.